Serendipity

Went to see the Doc - and YES there is hope for me yet !!!!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on
exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you
live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it
faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And
what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism
of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a
good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you
100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means
they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that
way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have
two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be
doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good
food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you
may have had about food and diets.

And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used
up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride' AND..... For those of you
who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief
to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than in the UK.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than in the UK.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than in the
UK.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than in the UK.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer
fewer heart attacks than in the UK.

CONCLUSION Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.